Magnetic Soap Holder

$24.99 from HomeFocus Catalog

This is a really odd product. Of everyone I’ve shown this to, the common response has been “What in the hell?” The background is that you have a wet, slippery bar of soap that will dissolve, get all gross and disgusting, and is difficult to keep in its dish.

So the genius behind this one had the brilliant idea of attaching a magnet to a little spike. The unfortunate owner of the uncooperative bar of soap can subsequently mash the spike-magnet into the bar of soap. When it’s properly secured, the owner can then affix the soap to the accompanying metallic mounting hardware, which in turns prevents the soap from slipping away and/or dissolving prematurely.

OK, let’s break it down. There are so many issues with this one I feel compelled to address…

First, who in this day and age uses bars of soap? Doesn’t everyone use the gel body wash stuff? Chances are, if you’re one of the Luddites who hasn’t switched to shower gel, you probably aren’t the type of person who is so particular that slimy bars of soap make you crazy.

Also, does anyone else find it problematic that the magnet is attached to a spike? I mean, in order for this to work, you would have to really push the spike into the soap forcefully; otherwise it would just fall out. I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea to try to cram a spike in a slippery bar of soap. I can only imagine that more than a few people who’ve attempted to use this product have ended up looking like they’ve been divinely afflicted with the stigmata.

Speaking of the spike, has anyone thought about what happens when you do manage to get it firmly embedded? I imagine that the first few times of use are probably uneventful. I could even imagine that the user of this product would feel a certain amount of satisfaction. But what happens when the soap is worn down enough on the one side to where the spike pokes through? That will either ruin many a washcloth, or if you’re the type of person who just lathers up with the bar of soap directly, it will at worst make you look like you were on the losing end of a fight with Freddy Kruger. At best, it will open up that wound on your hand you initially suffered when forcing the spike into the bar.

And God forbid that the thing fall out without your noticing. The last thing I want in my shower is a spike on the floor that will impale my foot and send me crashing through the shower door.

This is a terrible, terrible solution that not only fails to solve a problem, but also poses a serious risk to gullible bar-soap users.

Solution without a problem scale: 5 out of 5

In-Your-Vehicle French Fry Holder

$9.99 from Improvements Catalog

Unbelievable. Someone actually invented something so ridiculous as a molded piece of plastic that fits in a car’s cupholder and is designed to hold a cardboard French fry container. I’m speechless. I mean, what’s worse, that there is some poor slob out there who eats so many fries in his car that he felt the need to make a prototype or that there is apparently a market for it?

Why would anyone possible need this? Now, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t enjoy on-the-road fries from time to time. But I do what any normal person does: I put the container either between my legs (depending on how hot it is), in my change-holding bin with the cigarette lighter, or directly in the cupholder.

That last technique usually works pretty well. Now, I’ll admit that I’ve had a couple of instances where, as I’m stuffing my face with a greasy disgusting burger, I’ve almost wrecked my car and didn’t only because I performed a last-second preventative maneuver. And when I did slam on the breaks or jerk the wheel, the fries went flying. That’s not fun. They get dirty, I can’t reach them when they’re all over the floorboard, and the car smells like stale fast-food grease for a week. But by damn, that is not a good enough reason to invest in a device whose only purpose is to hold fries in the car to prevent such catastrophes. And to top it off, I notice that in the product description, a guarantee of “no fry flyage” is conspicuously missing—which leads me to believe that it can’t even help prevent the bigger in-vehicle fry messes.

Here’s the worst part. It’s advertised as being so great that it “even has a clip-on ketchup cup.” That’s terrible. So I’m supposed to empty little packages of ketchup into the clip and then, what, put it in the dishwasher? If that ketchup stays in there, it will get really foul really quick.

But here’s the deal: If you eat so many fries in your car that you can’t go without this, you are a pathetic, sad sack who needs to focus on solving your BIG problems, like your heart-health, rather than something as asinine as “where should I put this jumbo Biggie sized box of fries?”

This Solution Without a Problem just really makes me boil. Consider the following scenario:
§ You buy some fries at a drive-thru window.
§ Who the hell buys fries without a soda? You also buy a soda.
§ I don’t know what kind of car you have, but most cars either have one or two cupholders within reach of the driver.

If you have one cupholder and you bought this fry holder, where in blazes are you supposed to put your drink? In this case, your fries would go in the fry holder, which takes up the cupholder, and your drink goes between your legs. That doesn’t solve anything. In fact, it CREATES a problem rather than solves one.

If you have two cupholders, just put your box of fries in the spare cupholder. It’ll fit in there good enough and you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror for not being the type of loser who needs a portable fry tote.

Solution without a problem scale: 5 out of 5

Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Maker

$299 at Frontgate.com

I’m sure that you’ve come across this absurdly hulking piece of garbage by now. I’ve personally seen it in at least three catalogues, Bed, Bath & Beyond and at least one other housewares store. Let’s think about this one. As best I can tell, it takes ice, some flavoring such as fruit, a liquid such as tequila, and blends all of that together until you get a deliciously-flavored beverage with a smooth, crushed ice consistency. It achieves this miraculous feat by a very clever engineering marvel: two metal blades that spin really, really fast. Hmm, for some reason, I think I’ve come across this before. Ah yes, now I remember—a blender. That’s what a blender does.

Maybe I’m missing something. Surely the “frozen concoction maker” isn’t just a blender in disguise. Surely. Well, as best I can tell, it’s a blender with an ice bucket attached to it. And it may or may not have some kind of measuring tool to help you regulate the portions of lime juice, Cointreau, tequila, etc. I’m not exactly sure.

Here’s the deal: This classic Solution Without A Problem is a blender so ridiculously specialized that it’s only function is to help you make boat drinks. For 300 dollars. To all of the fools who have bought this monstrosity, here’s an insight that is apparently lost on you. A normal blender from Kitchen Aid or Oster or whomever makes perfectly good boat drinks, and it performs other cooking-related tasks as well. You don’t need a “frozen concoction maker.” You need a blender.

My advice: Buy a 100 dollar blender. It will last forever. I’ve had mine for nine years now and it still works great. Then take that additional 200 dollars, buy a decent bottle of tequila, a bottle of Cointreau, some limes, and then put your new blender away in the cabinet (BTW, the “frozen concoction” machine is so huge it wouldn’t have even fit in that cabinet) and make a margarita the way it is meant to be served: on the rocks with no salt. You’ll have at least a hundred dollars left over and an intact sense of your self-esteem by seeing through the “frozen concoction maker” marketing ruse.

But, I know that there are some skeptics out there. “I make a LOT of margaritas,” they say, “and so it will pay for itself in the long run.” This, incidentally, is a common argument among people who indulge in solutions without problems. My retort is this: If you make that damn many frozen margaritas that you feel a normal blender can’t stand up to the volume, you should apply the 300 bucks to rehab.

Solution without a problem scale: 5 out of 5